Today is Saturday, the 31st of July..
It's about a month since I was leaving Houston and 3 days since I became fatherless..

It started fine on Thursday, the day my dad passed away..
Everybody was treating me so well.. too well maybe, to the point where I thought that God was giving me a break in the end..
Yet, I was wrong.. Completely wrong I could say..

I tried my best in everything..
I know I often complaint, but I always put my family and friends needs as a priority instead of myself..
Even though I disliked the plan, I always get along with it since I know it will at least make someone happy that day..
Why can't at least everything stay the same..
I never ask for anything.. I am contented just the way I am..
I'm completely fine with a small apartment, lousy car, or instant noodle... Why can't at least God give me a break.. Just once..

But I am over it now..
I know everything happen for a reason.. and this time too..
I am fatherless now.. and I couldn't ask God to rise some one from the death, can I?
Maybe he can, but I doubt he will do it for me this time since I am too disappointed with him this time round..
Well God, if you can read this, I will not ask for any break from you anymore..
I will just be my usual self, and take everything as it is as if I am a Superman..
I am only 19 this year and I completely wondering why my life is so miserable while I always tried to make someone else happy..
I promise I will not turn from you.. But here is my wish, keep my dad by your side won't you?
I can't even see him for the last time, so would you please at least safe my face and keep him by your side in Heaven..
One more thing, please let my Mom stay healthy the way she is now and I will be really grateful to you for the rest of my life..
If you wish to take her too, I beg you to take me first..
Now, you can continue to make me feel miserable and I won't get angry anymore..

And for you Dad..
You never been a good father either and how could you leaving me by my self..
You never taught me to drive, you never taught me about girls, and you don't even see me for at least 5 years since the last time I met you..
Now what, you are leaving me for good?
But that's fine dad, I'm not angry anymore.. Just be happy up there and continue to look after me and Mom from up there..
At least you could do that to make it up to me, won't you?
I sometimes envy my friends who has a father.. How I wish you'll be there too for me..
But not this time huh? maybe the time is not right yet.. or my luck is just so bad..
However, I am grateful to you for letting me alive in this world..
I am not happy with you but I am proud of you at the same time..
So don't you worry about me up there.. I'll be doing a fine job here. I'll take care of Mom here and be a good Son that you can talk about up there..
A perfect Son who is super smart, good looking, and not lacking anything huh?
Be happy up there and tell God I said hello and thanks for letting you be by his side right now!
We'll meet again in 70 years or so? so wait for me ya?

“You can shed tears that he is gone, or you can smile because he has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back, or you can open your eyes and see all he's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see him, or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember him only that he is gone, or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back. Or you can do what he'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

and I'll just do that for you Dad..

Till we meet again..

Much Love, your son,

Adrian Tjakra